Lost and Found
HELP! I have lost my creativity. I gave it up (along with acting and music) a little over two years ago while losing my marriage. Thank God for my 2 year old son because I believe he may be the map to where my creativity is waiting to be found. With him, when I allow myself to let go of the demons, distractions and stress that binds my mind, I let go and can play. I can find ways to be creative and ultimately just enjoy the present moment. I never thought I would have to learn how to be creative. To me, it was just something that I had always been: creative. I was a born creator. I would create songs, and voices, and stories. Escaping to worlds created in my mind gave me refuge while growing up in Paris, KY. As I grappled with being “husky” or being picked on by girls and not having an ideal home life, I knew all I had to do was escape to wherever my mind could take me to feel safe and free. So, why or how did I lose this gift that was a form of self preservation? Why would I let go of and lose that which granted me acceptance and allowed me to travel the world? Maybe through all of the creating and escaping I ran away from the truth of who I really am. But who and what is that?
At the moment I am a 38 year old divorced single dad. Over the past two years I have been battling the five stages of grief. I have had to sell nearly everything I owned with the exception of my clothes, computer and guitar. I’ve come to realize that people who claimed to care about me or love me were merely talking heads and the number of friends I counted on one hand has dwindled to one or two. I have been used, abused, and confused. If I’m being honest with myself, I’ve done these things to myself therefore granting permission to others to do the same. I have yet to deal with the loss of my mom, the loss of my marriage, and have been doing what so many try to do each day - stay afloat! My ship has taken on so much water in the tempest of my life but somehow, some way I have managed to not sink. Perhaps it’s because my son reminds me that giving up is not only hard to do but not an option. Should I never do anything else in this life, my one goal is to make sure I do everything in my power to build a strong boy that doesn’t become a broken man needing to be repaired.
Part of that repair was writing a short film that I produced and co-starred in called Wildflowers. In this film I wanted to show that a black man could be a normal hardworking man who isn’t street or athletic and still be desirable. The story was a little autobiographical and a loud cry for help. It was an attempt to process the loss of my mom and the feeling of not being good enough for the people in my home and ultimately for myself. Once the film was finished I submitted it to festivals all over the world only to have it be rejected by every single one. Hey, you can’t win ‘em all, right?
Watch the entire film here!
https://vimeo.com/307868541
The interesting thing from that experience isn’t that I no longer hear from any of the people who worked on that film, except the director (what up, Rege!). It isn’t that I wrote, produced, co-starred, edited and scored the film, it’s that belief is such a powerful weapon. The belief that I was made to create and be an artist and inspire my son through my work has never died and that belief could be the reason that I keep being contacted and encouraged to get back into acting. When I am in my element and doing that, I feel at peace and at home. It’s the only place where I feel safe and secure other than being at home with my son. When I’m all alone I overthink and reach out to people who have shown me in numerous ways they do not value me or my friendship. I talk myself out of good and into foolishness. It’s a struggle and it’s very real. To my true friends who are there for me I cannot thank you enough for your love and support. Lord knows living this way is exhausting.
Each night the experience of sleeping becomes more frustrating as the cacophony of thoughts crescendos to a decibel that would make the loudest heavy metal concert seem like a sleeping baby’s nursery. On a good night I’ll get 4-5 hours of uninterrupted restful sleep. Exhaustion is the new normal for me and I have learned to function quite well in this space. What gives me energy these days is looking forward to my days with my son and the fact that I have found my way back to creating. I write lyrics on the subway going to and from my day job. Rumor has it I’m also working on a new screenplay. Feeling a sense of pride and purpose getting back into a rehearsal room to act has helped me find myself. The feeling of being on stage and writing my bio for the program for a show isn’t about the credits of what I’ve done and where I’ve done it. It’s about dedicating my being on that stage to my mom and my son and showing that no matter how many times you’ve been knocked down, if you’re still breathing, you can find a way to get back up and keep fighting.
Part of that repair was writing a short film that I produced and co-starred in called Wildflowers. In this film I wanted to show that a black man could be a normal hardworking man who isn’t street or athletic and still be desirable. The story was a little autobiographical and a loud cry for help. It was an attempt to process the loss of my mom and the feeling of not being good enough for the people in my home and ultimately for myself. Once the film was finished I submitted it to festivals all over the world only to have it be rejected by every single one. Hey, you can’t win ‘em all, right?
Watch the entire film here!
https://vimeo.com/307868541
The interesting thing from that experience isn’t that I no longer hear from any of the people who worked on that film, except the director (what up, Rege!). It isn’t that I wrote, produced, co-starred, edited and scored the film, it’s that belief is such a powerful weapon. The belief that I was made to create and be an artist and inspire my son through my work has never died and that belief could be the reason that I keep being contacted and encouraged to get back into acting. When I am in my element and doing that, I feel at peace and at home. It’s the only place where I feel safe and secure other than being at home with my son. When I’m all alone I overthink and reach out to people who have shown me in numerous ways they do not value me or my friendship. I talk myself out of good and into foolishness. It’s a struggle and it’s very real. To my true friends who are there for me I cannot thank you enough for your love and support. Lord knows living this way is exhausting.
Each night the experience of sleeping becomes more frustrating as the cacophony of thoughts crescendos to a decibel that would make the loudest heavy metal concert seem like a sleeping baby’s nursery. On a good night I’ll get 4-5 hours of uninterrupted restful sleep. Exhaustion is the new normal for me and I have learned to function quite well in this space. What gives me energy these days is looking forward to my days with my son and the fact that I have found my way back to creating. I write lyrics on the subway going to and from my day job. Rumor has it I’m also working on a new screenplay. Feeling a sense of pride and purpose getting back into a rehearsal room to act has helped me find myself. The feeling of being on stage and writing my bio for the program for a show isn’t about the credits of what I’ve done and where I’ve done it. It’s about dedicating my being on that stage to my mom and my son and showing that no matter how many times you’ve been knocked down, if you’re still breathing, you can find a way to get back up and keep fighting.
Comments
Post a Comment