Cotton Stones: Straightening the Record
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author Brandon Jones and his alone to comment on his journey to being a working artist.
When you live your life guarded (as I have and to some degree still do), there’s a significant reason for it. I can only speak for myself but I’m guarded because in my short time on this earth I have been through a lot of horrifically traumatizing experiences as well as some exhilarating and mind blowing ones. Like anyone, my life has been up and down and I don’t claim to have the answers to how or why things happen to us nor do I want to come across as a victim. I hold myself accountable for the choices I have made, good and poor, that have resulted in the life I live at the time of this writing.
I lead with that expository ramble because once again my blog has offended someone (because of my February 29th post), I held and still hold dear to my heart. Though this blog is and has always been for me, by me and about me. Yet, for some reason, the way I express myself here becomes about someone not mentioned in any post and ceases to be about my journey to becoming what I aspire to be.
I’m guarded in my interactions with people because like many and likely all of you (yes, you with the cotton stone in hand), I have been hurt. I’ve been sexually molested as a child, I’ve been lied to and cheated on, I’ve been called names, beaten up, and shamed privately and publicly. These things I have suffered at the hands of not just others but also myself. I know that things I have said, thought and have done brought about the consequences I have suffered rendering me guarded and at times closed off to others and myself. I am not a victim. I repeat: I AM NOT A VICTIM. This is not a pity post nor is it a post to lash out at anyone. I am processing on my blog by me, about me, for... very good cotton stones! So why even mention those things? Context. I’m not better, worse or different than any of you. We all go through a ton of shit in this thing called life and are just trying to get to the end not covered and wreaking. That’s all I’m trying to do while hoping to leave my mark with the talents and gift(s) I’ve been given.
There is very little we control in life. We don’t control how others react/feel about us. We don’t control what happens to us or what is thought or said about us. We don’t control who our parents and biological family is or our ethnicity, race or well... we now control gender but I’ll leave that one there and slowly and cautiously back away from it.
What we do control (at least most of us have an ability to do this), is our reaction to what happens to or is said about us and what comes out of us in the form of words and deeds. I am not a scientist so if I am wrong about this I humbly stand corrected and cotton stones that one’s on me! We control our output but not how it is received, processed and put back out into the universe. I can prepare for an audition and know the play/script and character and time period and all things associated with it as if I conceived and created the work myself. I can put out the best audition in my life and still have no control over being cast in the role. What if they’ve precast someone who is much younger/older/shorter/taller etc.? What if the director is having a shitty day and isn’t impressed by anything I do? What if my best is simply not good enough for the role? The main thing I need to remember is I did my best for me so that no matter the result of the casting process I can still feel good about my input and output.
I try to write this blog and post it so that no matter what happens after I click “Publish” I feel good about my input and output. Some posts I do and some I don’t. What I don’t want to do is start being guarded here and editing myself allowing others to control my product. That said, what is meant to happen is happening and will continue to happen. All I can do is my best in hopes that Fate is kind to me.
I’ll close with a story.
A young man from Omaha, Nebraska aspired to be a movie star. He studied plays and films and took every acting class in high school and auditioned for the top conservatories in the country in hopes of realizing his dream. He was accepted into a prestigious program in Ohio and completed the four year conservatory with honors and planned to move to Los Angeles. Before moving his mother was stricken with cancer and he spent the summer working and caring for her. He planned to put his dream on hold and stay by his mother’s side to nurse her back to good health. She insisted that he move because that was his calling. Reluctantly, the young man packed his bags and moved to the city of Angels with the help of his father and began his career. He enjoyed modest success early on and worked consistently for years. His mother, still sick, would cheer him from home and even make an occasional trip to visit once she felt well enough to do so.
Over the years the young man would go on to tour the world and even star in a film or two and work with some pretty cool people. He tried his hand at different aspects of the business but nothing really brought him the stardom he had been dreaming of since his days back home in Omaha. Eventually he found love and got married and had a child but before the birth of his beautiful baby girl his mother passed away unexpectedly shocking him and leaving him staggered. He found a way (so he thought), to cope by taking on more work and trying on therapy. It didn’t fit. The therapist was insulting and impatient and he wasn’t ready to fall apart on the couch in front of a stranger. His wife left him a year later and he lost nearly all of his possessions as well as being able to see his beautiful daughter every day. He finally got his big break and when asked who or what he owed his success he quickly said his daughter because through all the trials and tribulations he had endured she gave him hope and a reason to not give up. Of course he had support from friends and a few family members. He thanked them with his time and talents and words.
As Fate would have it, the young man would be nominated for an Academy Award and go on to win Best Actor in a Leading Role. In his acceptance speech he thanked his mother, the cast and crew of the film and his greatest inspiration, his daughter. That evening he received a phone call from his father who was quite upset. He went on the explain how hurt he was that he wasn’t mentioned because he too was there and he too loved his son and even though he hadn’t seen or spoken with his son because neither of them had reached out due to work and life he felt insulted that he was painted as being absent even though the young man never stated any such thing. In fact, the young man couldn’t understand how a moment that should’ve been celebrated was becoming about his father and how he wasn’t credited for his son’s success. The young man offered to discuss this with his father face to face and was told it was not necessary and that such a meeting had not been earned. Before the two got off the phone the young man told his father, “We haven’t spoken in months and haven’t seen one another for nearly a year due to life being as it is. We both have likely had moments when we didn’t want to keep living but we knew we had to for someone other than ourselves. I’m not hurt, angry with you or even disappointed in you that we’ve lost touch but the fact is, prior to this moment we had. That’s on both of us. The reason I mentioned mom, was to honor her memory not because she would’ve expected it were she alive. I had hoped your seeing me still standing with your last name and making my dream become my reality was the best ‘thank you’ I could give.”
The call ended and the young man never heard from or saw his father again after that. He went on to live his life raising his beautiful daughter into a strong successful brilliant young woman who is currently loved and well respected and runs her own studio where her father now directs films.
What I just wrote has not happened to anyone I know. I literally just made it up off the top as I was writing this post. Some elements were inspired by recent events but it is by and large a work of fiction. My dad and I are good and speak at least once a week and he doesn’t even know I write a blog so none of this is about him.
What I want to make clear is this: if you’ve been there for me during these past four very hard years my being here in this moment is a ‘thank you’ to you. My son walking this earth is a ‘thank you’ to you for without your texts, long talks, beers, dinners and kindness I don’t know where I would’ve found the energy and belief in myself to be the man and father I am. If we haven’t spoken in some time or haven’t seen one another in some time, please know I am not salty and do not blame you for the time apart or any of the hardships I’ve endured. Phones work both ways. I am just as guilty as you for not reaching out to connect. I own that.
If you are not named in this blog it is not because I don’t appreciate you. This blog is a product of our connection through time. This blog, though mine and written by me for me is in a way for us by us. Without your love and support no matter how big or small I wouldn’t be writing it. I don’t share everything with everyone. You may read things here that surprise you, upset you, offend you or inspire you. You all have been asking for the real B and that is what you’re getting. Love and light to all. Thank you for reading!
When you live your life guarded (as I have and to some degree still do), there’s a significant reason for it. I can only speak for myself but I’m guarded because in my short time on this earth I have been through a lot of horrifically traumatizing experiences as well as some exhilarating and mind blowing ones. Like anyone, my life has been up and down and I don’t claim to have the answers to how or why things happen to us nor do I want to come across as a victim. I hold myself accountable for the choices I have made, good and poor, that have resulted in the life I live at the time of this writing.
Perfect I am certainly not. Flawed I definitely am. I am not the sharpest tack in the box. I am not the tallest or the smartest or the best looking man. I am not the best... father, friend, brother, son, partner, actor, singer, musician, etc. I also am not the worst of these! I think you get the point. I have lied, cheated, stolen, thought of killing someone, thought of and (halfway) attempted to kill myself, and have taken the lives of unsuspecting mosquitoes, flies, roaches, ants, spiders and silverfish. At this point you have no reason to continue to read on, right? After all, I am guilty of all the previously listed things and you, dear reader, have not done one or any of those things in your lifetime, right? Okay, maybe it was that one time in middle or high school or the drunken night in college or the dark time in your 20’s but if you are in your late 30’s and have brought another life into this world or even if you haven’t... let’s just say you’re in your 30’s or 40’s, hell, any age beyond 30 and you’re still reading this and judging me at the same time, I pray you have insurance on that glass house of yours because those stones in your hand are not cotton.
I’m guarded in my interactions with people because like many and likely all of you (yes, you with the cotton stone in hand), I have been hurt. I’ve been sexually molested as a child, I’ve been lied to and cheated on, I’ve been called names, beaten up, and shamed privately and publicly. These things I have suffered at the hands of not just others but also myself. I know that things I have said, thought and have done brought about the consequences I have suffered rendering me guarded and at times closed off to others and myself. I am not a victim. I repeat: I AM NOT A VICTIM. This is not a pity post nor is it a post to lash out at anyone. I am processing on my blog by me, about me, for... very good cotton stones! So why even mention those things? Context. I’m not better, worse or different than any of you. We all go through a ton of shit in this thing called life and are just trying to get to the end not covered and wreaking. That’s all I’m trying to do while hoping to leave my mark with the talents and gift(s) I’ve been given.
There is very little we control in life. We don’t control how others react/feel about us. We don’t control what happens to us or what is thought or said about us. We don’t control who our parents and biological family is or our ethnicity, race or well... we now control gender but I’ll leave that one there and slowly and cautiously back away from it.
What we do control (at least most of us have an ability to do this), is our reaction to what happens to or is said about us and what comes out of us in the form of words and deeds. I am not a scientist so if I am wrong about this I humbly stand corrected and cotton stones that one’s on me! We control our output but not how it is received, processed and put back out into the universe. I can prepare for an audition and know the play/script and character and time period and all things associated with it as if I conceived and created the work myself. I can put out the best audition in my life and still have no control over being cast in the role. What if they’ve precast someone who is much younger/older/shorter/taller etc.? What if the director is having a shitty day and isn’t impressed by anything I do? What if my best is simply not good enough for the role? The main thing I need to remember is I did my best for me so that no matter the result of the casting process I can still feel good about my input and output.
I try to write this blog and post it so that no matter what happens after I click “Publish” I feel good about my input and output. Some posts I do and some I don’t. What I don’t want to do is start being guarded here and editing myself allowing others to control my product. That said, what is meant to happen is happening and will continue to happen. All I can do is my best in hopes that Fate is kind to me.
I’ll close with a story.
Over the years the young man would go on to tour the world and even star in a film or two and work with some pretty cool people. He tried his hand at different aspects of the business but nothing really brought him the stardom he had been dreaming of since his days back home in Omaha. Eventually he found love and got married and had a child but before the birth of his beautiful baby girl his mother passed away unexpectedly shocking him and leaving him staggered. He found a way (so he thought), to cope by taking on more work and trying on therapy. It didn’t fit. The therapist was insulting and impatient and he wasn’t ready to fall apart on the couch in front of a stranger. His wife left him a year later and he lost nearly all of his possessions as well as being able to see his beautiful daughter every day. He finally got his big break and when asked who or what he owed his success he quickly said his daughter because through all the trials and tribulations he had endured she gave him hope and a reason to not give up. Of course he had support from friends and a few family members. He thanked them with his time and talents and words.
As Fate would have it, the young man would be nominated for an Academy Award and go on to win Best Actor in a Leading Role. In his acceptance speech he thanked his mother, the cast and crew of the film and his greatest inspiration, his daughter. That evening he received a phone call from his father who was quite upset. He went on the explain how hurt he was that he wasn’t mentioned because he too was there and he too loved his son and even though he hadn’t seen or spoken with his son because neither of them had reached out due to work and life he felt insulted that he was painted as being absent even though the young man never stated any such thing. In fact, the young man couldn’t understand how a moment that should’ve been celebrated was becoming about his father and how he wasn’t credited for his son’s success. The young man offered to discuss this with his father face to face and was told it was not necessary and that such a meeting had not been earned. Before the two got off the phone the young man told his father, “We haven’t spoken in months and haven’t seen one another for nearly a year due to life being as it is. We both have likely had moments when we didn’t want to keep living but we knew we had to for someone other than ourselves. I’m not hurt, angry with you or even disappointed in you that we’ve lost touch but the fact is, prior to this moment we had. That’s on both of us. The reason I mentioned mom, was to honor her memory not because she would’ve expected it were she alive. I had hoped your seeing me still standing with your last name and making my dream become my reality was the best ‘thank you’ I could give.”
The call ended and the young man never heard from or saw his father again after that. He went on to live his life raising his beautiful daughter into a strong successful brilliant young woman who is currently loved and well respected and runs her own studio where her father now directs films.
What I just wrote has not happened to anyone I know. I literally just made it up off the top as I was writing this post. Some elements were inspired by recent events but it is by and large a work of fiction. My dad and I are good and speak at least once a week and he doesn’t even know I write a blog so none of this is about him.
If you are not named in this blog it is not because I don’t appreciate you. This blog is a product of our connection through time. This blog, though mine and written by me for me is in a way for us by us. Without your love and support no matter how big or small I wouldn’t be writing it. I don’t share everything with everyone. You may read things here that surprise you, upset you, offend you or inspire you. You all have been asking for the real B and that is what you’re getting. Love and light to all. Thank you for reading!
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