Breathe (This Too Shall Pass) Pt. 2 of 4
Change.
I don't know that I do well with change. I know that I will often say the right thing(s) when it comes to change and growth but honestly, change scares me and frankly makes me uncomfortable. I am the product of a broken home. My parents divorced when I was three and each had remarried by the time I was eleven. I wasn't a fan of the new unions but I learned to accept the change. At times, my parents would fight through me but they did the best they could to keep it to a minimum. By the time I was a freshman in college mom and dad had found a way to settle their disputes without involving me. That change was most welcome.
Consistency is my friend. I loathe monotony but routine, to me, creates consistency. If I step to the free throw line, I like to dribble three times and shoot. That's my routine. Before going onstage to perform, I like to listen to music and breathe and calm my mind and my body before I get to the theater. Once I'm in the dressing room I like to be loose with my cast mates. That's my routine. The results produced tend to be consistent and so far that has been a good thing.
Then there's consistency in my love life. As I stated, I haven't always had the best luck with the ladies: they cheated or I cheated or we just weren't a good fit or I had been so damaged that I was too consistently inconsistent to be a good partner. I had hoped that finally getting married and the birth of my son would change that.
Here's to hoping.
I know I have driven my wife crazy. I am flawed. My being too nice and using social media and texting to communicate with most of my friends, tends to get me in trouble. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I let people know I care about them if I truly do. That too, gets me in trouble. It's who I am. I mean no harm and my heart is in the right place. The summer after we got married and the year and a half since has been a test. Have I learned the necessary lessons to be a good husband and a good father? I'm still learning and I think that will forever be the case. I was terrified of being a father and sometimes I think I shy away from leadership positions or roles because of my lack of self confidence. I am NOT a born leader but I absolutely love being a dad and have been told I'm doing a great job.
Am I a good husband?
I try hard. I try very hard. Maybe I to try too hard. I'm an over-thinker. I'm sensitive. I'm strong-willed. I realize this doesn't paint the best picture of me but I'm being honest and that's the most important thing. I do things that I don't necessarily want to do or put the things I want to do on the back burner to make sure my wife is happy. I have lived with, at one point, 7 animals in a 1 BR apartment because my wife wanted to have that many pets. I don't like feet but I have rubbed my wife's feet when they have ached no matter if they were cold and sweaty or clean. I have allowed people into my home when I didn't want them there and have spent money I didn't want or need to spend to impress or entertain those people. I allowed myself to be disrespected by those people. I thought I was doing the right thing by living the motto: happy wife, happy life. I was actually doing more damage to myself and my marriage.
Losing yourself to make someone happy may seem romantic but it can lead to resentment. Resentment can lead to unhealthy behavior.
Even though therapy was going well and I had made strides in my detox work, I still didn't love myself enough to express that I felt disrespected and my life wasn't happy even though my wife's was.
I found myself befriending people who showed an interest in my career or in me as a person. I reconnected with friends from HS who liked pictures of my life here in New York and showed a genuine interest in the guy I've become since moving from Paris, Kentucky. These friendships gave me a boost when I felt down. I could talk about things that bothered me and get advice or just vent when I needed to blow off steam. I could also be a friend and listen or uplift these lifesavers in their time(s) of need. It was a win/win and to me it was innocent and very helpful in keeping me sane. My wife didn't agree.
A few weeks before I proposed to my wife I went home to visit my mom. While I was there I had dinner with a friend of mine from high school named L. We hadn't seen each other since L, a year my senior, had graduated. We reconnected via Facebook after I moved to New York. She now had two kids and was doing well. She was happy for me that I had a girlfriend that I seemed to be very much in love with and expressed that she was glad I got out of Paris to pursue my dreams. At dinner we caught up and shared highlights of our new lives and I mentioned that I was thinking of proposing. She was so happy for me and gave me encouragement and well wishes. After dinner we texted to not let another 15 years go by before seeing each other and that we love each other. I tell my friends male and female that I love them if I truly do. I have always been that way. It's not a routine, it's who I am. If I love you, I tell you. I'm consistent in that. It's something about me that resists change. My wife hates it.
I didn't feel I had anything to hide so I didn't delete the conversation/messages between L and me. I went back home to NY and was preparing myself to pop the question. I had the ring How was I going to pop the question? I'm a creative, it should be creative. I texted my sister-in-law and told her my intentions and she advised me to just be me. As an over-thinker, I heard that and decided to simplify things. No huge event. No other people involved. Just the two of us at home.
But...
One morning as we were getting ready for work, my wife decided to go through my phone. I had yet to delete the messages between L and me because I was more focused on how I was going to propose than deleting old messages I no longer needed. She was hurt by what she read and threatened to leave. I was terrified. I was confused. I was disappointed and frustrated. She eventually came around to forgiving me after many apologies and pleading for understanding that it wasn't the way it seemed. It wasn't. I don't know that she ever believed me or if she ever forgave me but she didn't leave. Thank God. I had dodged a bullet of misunderstanding. Two and a half weeks later on a Wednesday morning after carrying around the ring in my pocket, I decided the time had come.
On that morning, I woke up and went through my usual routine. Back then, I would get up about an hour before my wife and get ready for work. I showered, I shaved and picked out my clothes for the day. I usually ate breakfast before I went to work but on that Wednesday morning, I couldn't eat. I was nervous and excited. I still didn't have a plan, it was just time to pop the question. One of our cats was hanging around and I decided to use him as my assistant. We didn't have a dog at the time but this cat was/is fairly intelligent even though he had his dumb moments. I decided to have him wake up my wife while holding the box containing the ring. He usually woke her up in the morning by sitting on her chest so this was normal behavior aside from holding a box with my hopes and dreams in it.
Quietly, ninja-like, I lured the cat onto the bed and as soon as he sat on my wife's chest I gently placed the box in his paws. He didn't freak out or swat the box away, he was perfect! I woke her up and told her the cat had brought her something. Those big beautiful brown eyes slowly opened and as soon as she saw the box the room became a million times brighter with her smile. She opened the box and said "yes" before I could even pop the question. We kissed and we hugged and celebrated. Pictures of the ring were sent to family, friends and co-workers. I was so high on the feeling of someone wanting to actually spend forever with me. Forever is a might long time: hopefully we wouldn't screw it up.
I don't know that I do well with change. I know that I will often say the right thing(s) when it comes to change and growth but honestly, change scares me and frankly makes me uncomfortable. I am the product of a broken home. My parents divorced when I was three and each had remarried by the time I was eleven. I wasn't a fan of the new unions but I learned to accept the change. At times, my parents would fight through me but they did the best they could to keep it to a minimum. By the time I was a freshman in college mom and dad had found a way to settle their disputes without involving me. That change was most welcome.
Consistency is my friend. I loathe monotony but routine, to me, creates consistency. If I step to the free throw line, I like to dribble three times and shoot. That's my routine. Before going onstage to perform, I like to listen to music and breathe and calm my mind and my body before I get to the theater. Once I'm in the dressing room I like to be loose with my cast mates. That's my routine. The results produced tend to be consistent and so far that has been a good thing.
Then there's consistency in my love life. As I stated, I haven't always had the best luck with the ladies: they cheated or I cheated or we just weren't a good fit or I had been so damaged that I was too consistently inconsistent to be a good partner. I had hoped that finally getting married and the birth of my son would change that.
Here's to hoping.
I know I have driven my wife crazy. I am flawed. My being too nice and using social media and texting to communicate with most of my friends, tends to get me in trouble. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I let people know I care about them if I truly do. That too, gets me in trouble. It's who I am. I mean no harm and my heart is in the right place. The summer after we got married and the year and a half since has been a test. Have I learned the necessary lessons to be a good husband and a good father? I'm still learning and I think that will forever be the case. I was terrified of being a father and sometimes I think I shy away from leadership positions or roles because of my lack of self confidence. I am NOT a born leader but I absolutely love being a dad and have been told I'm doing a great job.
Am I a good husband?
I try hard. I try very hard. Maybe I to try too hard. I'm an over-thinker. I'm sensitive. I'm strong-willed. I realize this doesn't paint the best picture of me but I'm being honest and that's the most important thing. I do things that I don't necessarily want to do or put the things I want to do on the back burner to make sure my wife is happy. I have lived with, at one point, 7 animals in a 1 BR apartment because my wife wanted to have that many pets. I don't like feet but I have rubbed my wife's feet when they have ached no matter if they were cold and sweaty or clean. I have allowed people into my home when I didn't want them there and have spent money I didn't want or need to spend to impress or entertain those people. I allowed myself to be disrespected by those people. I thought I was doing the right thing by living the motto: happy wife, happy life. I was actually doing more damage to myself and my marriage.
Losing yourself to make someone happy may seem romantic but it can lead to resentment. Resentment can lead to unhealthy behavior.
Even though therapy was going well and I had made strides in my detox work, I still didn't love myself enough to express that I felt disrespected and my life wasn't happy even though my wife's was.
I found myself befriending people who showed an interest in my career or in me as a person. I reconnected with friends from HS who liked pictures of my life here in New York and showed a genuine interest in the guy I've become since moving from Paris, Kentucky. These friendships gave me a boost when I felt down. I could talk about things that bothered me and get advice or just vent when I needed to blow off steam. I could also be a friend and listen or uplift these lifesavers in their time(s) of need. It was a win/win and to me it was innocent and very helpful in keeping me sane. My wife didn't agree.
A few weeks before I proposed to my wife I went home to visit my mom. While I was there I had dinner with a friend of mine from high school named L. We hadn't seen each other since L, a year my senior, had graduated. We reconnected via Facebook after I moved to New York. She now had two kids and was doing well. She was happy for me that I had a girlfriend that I seemed to be very much in love with and expressed that she was glad I got out of Paris to pursue my dreams. At dinner we caught up and shared highlights of our new lives and I mentioned that I was thinking of proposing. She was so happy for me and gave me encouragement and well wishes. After dinner we texted to not let another 15 years go by before seeing each other and that we love each other. I tell my friends male and female that I love them if I truly do. I have always been that way. It's not a routine, it's who I am. If I love you, I tell you. I'm consistent in that. It's something about me that resists change. My wife hates it.
I didn't feel I had anything to hide so I didn't delete the conversation/messages between L and me. I went back home to NY and was preparing myself to pop the question. I had the ring How was I going to pop the question? I'm a creative, it should be creative. I texted my sister-in-law and told her my intentions and she advised me to just be me. As an over-thinker, I heard that and decided to simplify things. No huge event. No other people involved. Just the two of us at home.
But...
One morning as we were getting ready for work, my wife decided to go through my phone. I had yet to delete the messages between L and me because I was more focused on how I was going to propose than deleting old messages I no longer needed. She was hurt by what she read and threatened to leave. I was terrified. I was confused. I was disappointed and frustrated. She eventually came around to forgiving me after many apologies and pleading for understanding that it wasn't the way it seemed. It wasn't. I don't know that she ever believed me or if she ever forgave me but she didn't leave. Thank God. I had dodged a bullet of misunderstanding. Two and a half weeks later on a Wednesday morning after carrying around the ring in my pocket, I decided the time had come.
On that morning, I woke up and went through my usual routine. Back then, I would get up about an hour before my wife and get ready for work. I showered, I shaved and picked out my clothes for the day. I usually ate breakfast before I went to work but on that Wednesday morning, I couldn't eat. I was nervous and excited. I still didn't have a plan, it was just time to pop the question. One of our cats was hanging around and I decided to use him as my assistant. We didn't have a dog at the time but this cat was/is fairly intelligent even though he had his dumb moments. I decided to have him wake up my wife while holding the box containing the ring. He usually woke her up in the morning by sitting on her chest so this was normal behavior aside from holding a box with my hopes and dreams in it.
Quietly, ninja-like, I lured the cat onto the bed and as soon as he sat on my wife's chest I gently placed the box in his paws. He didn't freak out or swat the box away, he was perfect! I woke her up and told her the cat had brought her something. Those big beautiful brown eyes slowly opened and as soon as she saw the box the room became a million times brighter with her smile. She opened the box and said "yes" before I could even pop the question. We kissed and we hugged and celebrated. Pictures of the ring were sent to family, friends and co-workers. I was so high on the feeling of someone wanting to actually spend forever with me. Forever is a might long time: hopefully we wouldn't screw it up.
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