Breathe (This Too Shall Pass) Pt. 3 of 4
Relationships take work.
I don't care if you're married, engaged, dating exclusively, or just "courting", if you want a relationship to last and be healthy, fruitful, and all that good stuff, you have to work at it with your partner. Ups and downs are guaranteed. If you think you're going to have a relationship of nothing but highs, you're playing yourself and will end up extremely disappointed. The fairy tale, is just that: a fairy tale, a myth. A couple that never has a disagreement or an argument may not be living in truth and that will ultimately lead to a blowup or devastating revelation because the truth seems to always find its way to the light. No matter how hard you try to keep it in the dark, truth has an incredible ability to send out a distress call to light and it can take years, decades or even centuries but it is always found. Keep that in mind when you decide to begin any relationship and hopefully that will keep you and your partner on the right track.
Boy, do I wish that we had started our relationship basking in the light of the truth. There's nothing like a solid foundation that is true because you can build on it with confidence. Worrying about cracks or holes isn't an issue but the truth is whole and sturdy. Notice I used the word "whole". Partial truth is deceptive. It gives the semblance and feeling of solid and sturdy but it has holes or cracks that, over time, weaken under pressure or during storms. That's what we built on: partial truth. Here and there we'd throw in a partial truth brick or partial truth 2 x 4 because it made the work seem easier and certainly faster. Let this be a lesson to all you lovebirds, fast and easy is only good in the afternoon when the baby is asleep. It's not for building a relationship.
Once the partial truth materials weakened and in some cases broke or disintegrated, our relationship began to lean like the tower of Pisa. If we didn't reinforce those areas with truth we were in for a collapse.
It all came crashing down, according to my wife, when she was planning my surprise birthday party and went through my iPad to get my contacts. She found the aforementioned Facebook conversation between J and me discussing old women and cooties and worms. What seemed like harmless mindless fun was viewed as the breaking of our last support beam and the fall of our tower of love was imminent. She planned the party and began going out more often and staying out later than usual. That was followed up by a trip to Philadelphia for us to "reconnect" but we didn't talk about anything. We ate. We watched Netflix and we were intimate when we weren't sleeping. During this time we were also excited about growing our family and moving out of New York to possibly Kentucky or Atlanta, Georgia or somewhere in Florida. There was at one point even talk of moving to New Mexico. Things seemed to be going well. We felt strong and sturdy. Partial truth. We were actually crumbling to the ground.
We went to Kentucky to visit my dad. As I drove the 11 hours with my wife, son and mother-in-law, I noticed my wife was withdrawn, her head in her phone or under a blanket to nap or to give the appearance that she was sleeping. She seemed to be obsessed with her new female friend A. They worked together, they went to the gym together, they went out together, they were ALWAYS together. My wife called A so they could see each other on FaceTime as soon as we got out of the car at my dad's house in Kentucky. My wife would spend most of the time in Kentucky on the phone isolated from me and my family. Little did I know she was planning and orchestrating a surprise party for me. She was also growing closer and closer to A.
SURPRISE!
It was a couple of days before my birthday and I had grown annoyed with the way my wife was isolating herself from my family and me. Her phone was glued to her hand I suspected she was talking to someone on the low or up to no good. She had been avoiding me and A was getting all of her attention 708 miles away or so it seemed. When she returned from a shopping trip with my stepmom and brother, I told her I was going to see my friend P. She asked me if I was going alone and if I wanted to take our son and I felt as though she didn't trust me or was trying to keep me from seeing another woman. P, is a man in his 50s with children my age and grandchildren. He was and has always been a dear friend of the family and one of the biggest supporters of my marriage. Little did I know, he was in on the surprise. What HE didn't know was that I was extremely frustrated with my wife and her actions. I made known my feelings about her behavior and I could see the disappointment on P's face. That lead to us have a couple drinks at his place and then I got hungry and wanted to eat. We left, but we stopped at a Guitar Center to look at keyboards because P is interested in creating some music and wanted my opinion on a few makes and models.
Finally, we stopped to get some food. While we waited for food at the bar we had a couple more drinks and shot the shit with these two guys who were waiting on their wives to finish shopping. I noticed P checked his phone and he said I was probably going to be mad but we needed to take our food to go. The food came. We got on the road. Now, I don't drive drunk. I even ate my food as I drove to ensure that I would soak up the alcohol I had consumed. Please know that if I had felt I was putting myself or anyone else in danger I would've ridden with P to my dad's.
We eventually made it to my dad's and pulled up to a sea of vehicles in front of his house. My wife had pulled it off and surprised me. I walked into the garage and was greeted with family and friends who had been waiting for over an hour to yell, "SURPRISE!" Hugs and "Happy Birthday!" and smiles. I looked for my wife to thank her. I found her and thanked her and was met with a cold, "Mmhm" and she walked away from me. The night continued as everyone ate and laughed and drank. I made the mistake of drinking and not eating and spent the night laughing and singing with my family and friends. My wife was nowhere in sight. That's how I remember it. Photos from that night show that she popped in to take a group photo with my cousins, brother and me but she was not standing next to me.
The next morning I woke up on the couch with a bucket near me. I knew what that meant. I over did it. Little did I know I had ripped the toilet seat off the toilet and knocked over a standing linen cabinet. I also sprayed the bathroom with vomit. Not my finest hour. Apparently, my wife had to be told to check on me and she eventually did along with my brother. She even asked me if I wanted something with electrolytes to drink. She brought back two vitamin waters and a banana. I slowly recovered and made a public post of gratitude mentioning my wife via Facebook. I wanted everyone to know how lucky I was to have this amazing woman by my side and I hoped I didn't embarrass her. She said I didn't.
The remainder of the time was spent eating and talking with my family. We packed the car and got on the road on my actual birthday. That night once we returned to New York we dropped off my mother-in-law and picked up my brother-in-law who spent the night with us. My wife didn't hug me or kiss me or touch me at all in any way that day or night.
The next day I told my wife that we needed to talk because I felt that something was off. That evening when she got home my wife sat down with a smile on her face and informed me that she wanted a divorce.
I don't care if you're married, engaged, dating exclusively, or just "courting", if you want a relationship to last and be healthy, fruitful, and all that good stuff, you have to work at it with your partner. Ups and downs are guaranteed. If you think you're going to have a relationship of nothing but highs, you're playing yourself and will end up extremely disappointed. The fairy tale, is just that: a fairy tale, a myth. A couple that never has a disagreement or an argument may not be living in truth and that will ultimately lead to a blowup or devastating revelation because the truth seems to always find its way to the light. No matter how hard you try to keep it in the dark, truth has an incredible ability to send out a distress call to light and it can take years, decades or even centuries but it is always found. Keep that in mind when you decide to begin any relationship and hopefully that will keep you and your partner on the right track.
Boy, do I wish that we had started our relationship basking in the light of the truth. There's nothing like a solid foundation that is true because you can build on it with confidence. Worrying about cracks or holes isn't an issue but the truth is whole and sturdy. Notice I used the word "whole". Partial truth is deceptive. It gives the semblance and feeling of solid and sturdy but it has holes or cracks that, over time, weaken under pressure or during storms. That's what we built on: partial truth. Here and there we'd throw in a partial truth brick or partial truth 2 x 4 because it made the work seem easier and certainly faster. Let this be a lesson to all you lovebirds, fast and easy is only good in the afternoon when the baby is asleep. It's not for building a relationship.
Once the partial truth materials weakened and in some cases broke or disintegrated, our relationship began to lean like the tower of Pisa. If we didn't reinforce those areas with truth we were in for a collapse.
It all came crashing down, according to my wife, when she was planning my surprise birthday party and went through my iPad to get my contacts. She found the aforementioned Facebook conversation between J and me discussing old women and cooties and worms. What seemed like harmless mindless fun was viewed as the breaking of our last support beam and the fall of our tower of love was imminent. She planned the party and began going out more often and staying out later than usual. That was followed up by a trip to Philadelphia for us to "reconnect" but we didn't talk about anything. We ate. We watched Netflix and we were intimate when we weren't sleeping. During this time we were also excited about growing our family and moving out of New York to possibly Kentucky or Atlanta, Georgia or somewhere in Florida. There was at one point even talk of moving to New Mexico. Things seemed to be going well. We felt strong and sturdy. Partial truth. We were actually crumbling to the ground.
We went to Kentucky to visit my dad. As I drove the 11 hours with my wife, son and mother-in-law, I noticed my wife was withdrawn, her head in her phone or under a blanket to nap or to give the appearance that she was sleeping. She seemed to be obsessed with her new female friend A. They worked together, they went to the gym together, they went out together, they were ALWAYS together. My wife called A so they could see each other on FaceTime as soon as we got out of the car at my dad's house in Kentucky. My wife would spend most of the time in Kentucky on the phone isolated from me and my family. Little did I know she was planning and orchestrating a surprise party for me. She was also growing closer and closer to A.
SURPRISE!
It was a couple of days before my birthday and I had grown annoyed with the way my wife was isolating herself from my family and me. Her phone was glued to her hand I suspected she was talking to someone on the low or up to no good. She had been avoiding me and A was getting all of her attention 708 miles away or so it seemed. When she returned from a shopping trip with my stepmom and brother, I told her I was going to see my friend P. She asked me if I was going alone and if I wanted to take our son and I felt as though she didn't trust me or was trying to keep me from seeing another woman. P, is a man in his 50s with children my age and grandchildren. He was and has always been a dear friend of the family and one of the biggest supporters of my marriage. Little did I know, he was in on the surprise. What HE didn't know was that I was extremely frustrated with my wife and her actions. I made known my feelings about her behavior and I could see the disappointment on P's face. That lead to us have a couple drinks at his place and then I got hungry and wanted to eat. We left, but we stopped at a Guitar Center to look at keyboards because P is interested in creating some music and wanted my opinion on a few makes and models.
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| courtesy of GrandzMu$ik |
Finally, we stopped to get some food. While we waited for food at the bar we had a couple more drinks and shot the shit with these two guys who were waiting on their wives to finish shopping. I noticed P checked his phone and he said I was probably going to be mad but we needed to take our food to go. The food came. We got on the road. Now, I don't drive drunk. I even ate my food as I drove to ensure that I would soak up the alcohol I had consumed. Please know that if I had felt I was putting myself or anyone else in danger I would've ridden with P to my dad's.
We eventually made it to my dad's and pulled up to a sea of vehicles in front of his house. My wife had pulled it off and surprised me. I walked into the garage and was greeted with family and friends who had been waiting for over an hour to yell, "SURPRISE!" Hugs and "Happy Birthday!" and smiles. I looked for my wife to thank her. I found her and thanked her and was met with a cold, "Mmhm" and she walked away from me. The night continued as everyone ate and laughed and drank. I made the mistake of drinking and not eating and spent the night laughing and singing with my family and friends. My wife was nowhere in sight. That's how I remember it. Photos from that night show that she popped in to take a group photo with my cousins, brother and me but she was not standing next to me.
The next morning I woke up on the couch with a bucket near me. I knew what that meant. I over did it. Little did I know I had ripped the toilet seat off the toilet and knocked over a standing linen cabinet. I also sprayed the bathroom with vomit. Not my finest hour. Apparently, my wife had to be told to check on me and she eventually did along with my brother. She even asked me if I wanted something with electrolytes to drink. She brought back two vitamin waters and a banana. I slowly recovered and made a public post of gratitude mentioning my wife via Facebook. I wanted everyone to know how lucky I was to have this amazing woman by my side and I hoped I didn't embarrass her. She said I didn't.
The remainder of the time was spent eating and talking with my family. We packed the car and got on the road on my actual birthday. That night once we returned to New York we dropped off my mother-in-law and picked up my brother-in-law who spent the night with us. My wife didn't hug me or kiss me or touch me at all in any way that day or night.
The next day I told my wife that we needed to talk because I felt that something was off. That evening when she got home my wife sat down with a smile on her face and informed me that she wanted a divorce.
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